I don’t know when it started, maybe I was always like this, but reaching out to others, telling friends and family and people in general how I was truly feeling were always an IMPOSSIBLE task for me.
I didn’t know how to put some of my feelings into words, or would think no one were truly interested. Why would they want to listen? Why would they care? So I kept quiet, I struggled alone, I blamed myself and then blamed them for not listening to my silent suffering. (well, dramatic parts of life)
And then things went on, years passed, life got better and worse and better again. But I would still put every bad feeling in a very well hidden box guarded by three-eyed giant birds who sings in creepy monotone. ‘You do not belong here’ they would tell some wandering stranger.
I knew how bad this way of dealing with things were and how it made me feel lonely and overwhelmed and very miserable. It made every bad thing worse, it drained me to pretend to be okay when my face obviously said otherwise. So at some point during college, in one of my crisis and soul-searching days and after some good hours in theraphy, I decided I would try my best to change. Well, you all know how trying and accomplishing are very different things right?
It’s not like the moment I said “I WILL BE MORE OPEN ABOUT ALL MY FEELINGS” was when I told all my friends I was actually a very depressed overlord from the Underworld who had been banned to earth and were now having a hard time adapting. Nope. It was hard and slow and only on the last year of college things started feeling easy.
And still it took me like an entire week to tell my best friend for the first time “Hey, I’m not ok”. And I actually only was able to write it over telegram. Saying this out loud was still too much.
I don’t know why I was so scared. I don’t know why WE are so scared. Because now I know I’m not the only one. Some of my friends also have a hard time talking about their bad feelings and I believe other people do as well.
Actually, I’m writing this because I had a talk with one of my friends this week(the corgi friend). It started with me taking the courage and actually telling her she felt very distant lately, always disappering, and it lead to she telling me how things were bad and how she was not adapting well to some stuff. AND THEN I SAID I WOULD SLAP HER, because I always tell her that she can always talk to me when things are bad – or when she is seeing everything in only four colors and they’re not in harmony, they are like sad blue and brown and a very ugly vomit green and then some horrible red. And she always says that she feels it is stupid so she ends up keeping quiet and putting everything inside her own box guarded by her own chimera.
I know that someone saying this don’t help much but I will say anyway: do not keep quiet. IT’S NOT STUPID. Your feelings are important no matter if they are good or bad os strange and if your friends care about you they will think so too. If they do not, then find new friends(tragic but true and it’s not easy either so damn).
It’s hard, I’m not going to lie. Telling other people about our weaknesses feels like we are breaking some major Human Law established by the ancients. Fuck the law (wow such rebellion). We cannot keep putting every bad thing inside us without ever letting them out. It’s not healthy. We are suposed to lean on each other.
Telling other people about your bad feelings also helps them realize they are not alone in this. They might even think then about talking about their own feelings too and it’s a connection and a process and it causes change. Good change.
And well, yeah, of course your friends will probably not be there all the time to hear you out. Sometimes they are having their own problems and will not have the emotional stamina to help you or they really don’t know how to deal with a thing or two.
But always be honest with each other. Reach out. Speak up. It’s such an important part of being human.
For me it’s still hard sometimes. There are days when the old thoughts come back and I say that the birds can eat any stranger that gets too close. Sometimes they obey but lately they keep turning to me and saying “Really, girl? We will go get some air and you can think about this again”. They are even making some other friends too so I guess it’s cool.
The important thing is that we are trying, even if it’s really really hard.
And you? How do you guys deal with this? Is it hard to talk about the bad feelings with others? What do you think about this? And feel free to share if you’re having a hard time. I’m here to listen.
I hope you guys are having a good weekend!