I love my dreams (or most of them anyway)
Sometimes they get so strange that I wake up and wonder If my mind is really my own
Sometimes I’m pretty sure I’m living adventures in some kind of parallel universe
Sometimes is just plain nonsense
Lately, specifically, I’m having dreams about death.
Some weeks ago I dreamed someone shot me because of some revenge that actually didn’t involve me at all. I just got caught up in the mess.
Then a week after I dreamed a dream-friend* of mine had suddenly died in strange circumstances. Then another week after I dreamed I was thinking about killing myself. Extremely. Uncomfortable. Dream. Everyone around me actually made a show of it, as if me killing myself would be entertaining. In the end I didn’t but still, the idea of death was very raw.
And then I remembered that death in dreams means change and new beginnings and it kinda made sense. It also made sense how I refused to die or admit death in them. On the ones I were shot I actually never died. I struggled to keep on living and the dreams ended while I was being taken to the hospital. The one my friend died I recused to believe she had really died, even when they showed me her body. In the one where I was trying to kill myself, I instead chose to live(which is good in a bigger context but still).
We can never say for sure what our dreams are trying to tell us but I have a feeling that these ones are trying to show me that it’s time for change, and that I can’t keep ignoring it and pretending it’s not there. Maybe it means I’m still scared of letting my old me go. It means being afraid of the inevitable change of this time in my life. And maybe it also means it’s time to take the shot and not fret over it. Bleed out. Die so a new one can be reborn.
And don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of change and of creating my own path, but it’s hard and strange when your horizon is a big blank white wall. You just don’t know where to put yourself and there’s also the fear that come with it.
My therapist says that now I have to use this wall as a big white canvas to start painting my life. Easier said than done. I have a brush and all the possible colors and I have no idea if I want blue or red or some fancy silver paint. I even doubt if I can paint at all.
But I’m trying anyway, and sometimes the little dots of color even starts to make some sense. (before the stupid part of me throw the paint over the window and starts singing some rebellious song as if there was no tomorrow and the anxious part ot me then starts crying because ‘how could she throw our paint away’ and the serious part of me sits in the corner with contempt and sighs because ‘kids’. I need some change in self-management asap)
But I believe this is part of the mess I need to make right now. And I guess more than dreaming about death, my worst nightmare is seeing my life 30 years from now, and I’m the same lost, undecided girl who still feels like she is missing some important part of life and of herself.
So it’s good to keep this in mind. The ability to change and to make my life what I want it to be is mine and mine alone. I get to decide now where I wish to go and how I will paint my path. I get to decide who I will be. I have this privilege right now.
And I hope that at the end I will be able to look back and smile and feel like dancing to the life I chose. This is my biggest wish.
And you? How do you guys deal with change and with the big white canvas of your own life? Do you ever feel like a little lost boat in the middle of an unforgivable ocean?
I really really want to know more about your journey, your dreams and doubts and who you want to be at the end of this path.
And good week!! I hope you can find little adventures and motives to smile even if in the middle of chaos.
*dream-friend being someone who is not real and is only your friend in your dream
(header image is again from the awesome Victo Ngai)