creating, Life, The Typewriter, The Wanderer

Creation

There is a universe of beings inside of me and they struggle and fight and create chaos out of order and doubt out of not so certain beliefs
Those are the ‘dark part’, of course. Not bad, just not pleasant. At the end every shadow has a meaning and are there for a reason.

The light side is calmer, but sometimes I wonder if it is not actually dormant, as if waiting for its other half to deal with itself. Waiting waiting waiting.
“You need to learn how to untangle this, dear. Then we can wake.”

And then, in the middle of it all, there is this thing inside of me craving to be free, clawing, struggling, trying to find a way out. Wailing in agony.
“More more more” it says.
But it has no strength, no way to break the walls that bind it.
And I whisper and ask what can I do to help, I scream to them so they can follow my voice out.
We never find each other. We never meet.

The struggle continues, the claws create forms and words and drawings with blood. They try and fail and try and fail.
“Create create create”, I listen them crying out, as if asking for mercy.
They know they will die if they don’t reach surface.
I know they will die if I don’t get them out.
But we are both lost in this endless maze: paths everywhere, thousands of dead ends.

Victo Ngai-www.kaifineart.com-4

I wrote this while thinking about the agony that I feel when I want to create -something-, but just can’t find a way to bring it to life. It’s like a trapped butterfly in some kind of eternal metamorphosis, never actually reaching the outside world. Sometimes it can drive me crazy because it is such a deep feeling of struggle.

I hope someday I can break those walls and free all the creations.
For now I try.

And you? Have you ever felt something like this? Something inside you, so intrinsic and true to your soul, that needs to be created but you never seem to find a way to give it form? Tell me about it, how do you deal with all the endless paths and dead ends?

 

(Again, image by awesome Victo Ngai! You can see I really like her, right?)

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9 thoughts on “Creation”

  1. I often feel frustrated when I have long periods without acting (like this summer before I start school because I physically don’t have any time to audition etc) because it’s the form of creativity that is most fulfilling to me. However, I also struggle with writing sometimes when I have so many small threads of seemingly great ideas but when I try to follow those threads they break or don’t seem to lead anywhere. And waiting for the muses to come is frustrating too because you never know when and if they decide to show up. However, what really helps me is writing morning pages every morning as that sometimes sets me in the mood for writing something more that day or gives me ideas that emerge from my subconscious. This was a great read, thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Exactly You can’t follow the threads, you can’t wait for inspiration but also don’t know what else to do. Maybe writing morning pages will help me too! It used to work some time ago, I don’t know why I stopped..
      And how incredible that acting is your creative outlet! Do you audition for plays? (I used to participate in my school theatre group and I loved it, it was so freeing for a kid like me who was always hiding)
      Thank you very much for taking your time to share this!
      Hope you are having a good week 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I did audition for plays and films in the last few years, but this last year (apart from a couple of short films) I was mostly preparing and auditioning for drama schools as I decided I want to do acting as a career. Since I got in, I kind of started procrastinating though, telling myself I’ll have enough of acting/auditioning from September when my course begins but honestly I miss doing it so much, just can’t find the time as I have to work to save up some money for school now. That’s so cool that you enjoyed doing theatre at school and I completely agree, for me starting drama was incredibly freeing and therapeutic 🙂 As for morning pages, I can’t recommend them enough! Hope you are having a good week too! x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. For the dead ends, I bust them open, and lay the tar for my road, I rammed my head into the sea of books, garner enough, sink into a reverie, reinforcing these thoughts. Your writings are really nice, they are really expressive and really good. Hope to see more from you. Have hope, write on!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Such a poetic comment! I couldn’t possibly match this! (Such an inspiration too, the idea of breaking through the dead ends and using their broken pieces to create your own road)
      Thank you very much for this!
      I must admit your comment gave me a surge of motivation!
      Now I shall write
      And I hope you too are writing on! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m frustrated right now because every time I try to set aside time for writing, something else gets in the way. I need to be alone and able to focus for at least three hours to write a chapter but finding that time is getting harder and harder. The best I can do is keep longhand notes and wait for vacation!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s such a frustrating thing to want to write but not finding the time and peace! I had this problem last year, when I was full of ideas and desire to write but university ate all my time and energy.
      Now that I have the time the ideas are being rebellious. Oh well.
      I hope you can find some little pieces of time when you can at least put some of your words down. And yes! The much expected vacation. This savior must come quickly!
      Thank you for passing by!
      And I hope you are having a good week! (One more full of stories to tell! The situation with the naked girl is still in my mind, making me laugh) 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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