Sometimes I think I’m broken. Millions of pieces which were never meant to be together, never fully becoming. Sometimes I know this is not the case, that I’m only having a bad time, that it’s only my depression being annoying.
And sometimes I believe it. Believe that I will never be –ok–, whatever that means. Believe there is no –fixing– all this .
And I always try really hard to ignore The Bad Feelings™. When I realize they are around I do everything I possibly can to make them go away. This time I was even able to be productive! I made plans! I got excited about the future! “These bad feelings are E-A-TING my dust”, I said while the sun went down on the horizon.
But meanwhile, in my mind, there was a constant worry being pushed back: I’m feeling strangely tired. ‘It’s just today’. I slept too much. ‘No worries’. I have work to do but don’t feel like I can do it right now. ‘Take the day to rest’. Conquering the universe doesn’t sound that good anymore. ‘You’re just tired’. I think something is wrong. ‘Nah, just the weather’. I have seen this pattern before. ‘Just your mind’. I feel like there is no meaning in anything. ‘It will pass’.
Well, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes those feelings don’t just leave, no matter what you do. They stick and drag and grow bigger and bigger and in the end every other feeling goes away while leaving behind this dreadful nothingness. You wake up one day to realize you don’t even want to get out of bed anymore. “You were forgetting about me”, the bad feeling says. AND HELL YES, I WAS.
Me: You are not a good company.
‘It’: But I’m always here, by your side, doing my best.
Me: Yeah, doing your best at making things harder.
‘It’: But you know I will always be here for you.
Me: I wish you wouldn’t.
I need to be honest. While I did use all my ‘good’ time trying to make plans and researching and trying to be productive, I spent long hours doing nothing. I could be writing but it felt too much. I could be reading but it just didn’t make sense, I could be drawing but it just felt pointless. Planning? Is it food?
I’m so happy that I at least had friends to talk to, places to go and some appointments/work to do so I could then push myself out of the bed. I didn’t even realize how much I was back again into a bad cycle till this morning.
The worst thing about depression is that the more you give yourself to it, the more it creates bad habits that will make you get more and more stuck without you even realizing it. And I guess all this situation just makes me feel very useless and sad because it always leaves me wondering: how can I properly live having to deal with this all the time?
But anyway, I’m trying to break a little of this cycle today by writing, by trying to be honest with myself and admitting it all. Yes, the feelings are here again, what can I do about it? With whom should I talk to? Where can I go? (And I don’t even know what this post should be about but I think that sharing this will help somehow!)
I know that at the end I’m not broken and that these feelings will go away, they always do. I will feel motivated again, excited to do things(hopefully in a few days). I also know they will come back eventually, so I will just need to keep doing my best to come up with plans to fight against it. (BRING THE WEAPONS)
AND I guess this is also another apology for not writing more and not reading more all the wonderful posts out there. You guys keep doing the good work! You are all awesome.
I hope soon I will be able to write more and read more. For now, sorry for not being around very much(and for being a bit negative). Also feel free to share any experience you may have with The Bad Feelings™, I would really appreciate.
Keep being awesome and have a good week you all!