I have been trying to figure what triggered me again. One day everything perfect, next moment pure anguish and sadness and emptiness
I know it had something to do with work, because before it I was tired but not anxious.
I think I feel really nervous when people start to ask confusing things of me, things I’m not sure I can accomplish, or when they expect me to do some kinda of magic trick to make their bad planning looks good despite everything wrong with it.
I guess I just have very bad coping mechanisms and very low resilience. (MEH)
Some months ago I started thinking that if I knew I was going to be miserable all the same, then I would have chosen a career that at least gave me good money.
I mean, c’mon, if you are miserable AND poor you are doing something wrong. Now here I am, stuck at a place that makes my soul cry, not earning enough, feeling nervous all the time.
I wonder how much of this are really how I feel and how much is just my mind being an asshole.
And in the middle of this confusing time I’m reading a book called Designing your Life. It’s the book I wish I had around after finishing High School.
One of my favorites passages so far is about how we are not always driven by deep and strong passion for something or for a path. They say:
We believe that people actually need to take time to develop a passion. And the research shows that, for most people, passion comes after they try something, discover they like it, and develop mastery—not before. To put it more succinctly: passion is the result of a good life design, not the cause.
So much easier than all the doubt and fear and struggle that is a constant inside of me, asking myself over and over what is it that I really love doing(besides writing).
I guess I just have bad combinations of personality: perfectionism, a need to plan everything, indecision, fear of the unknown, too keen to make the perfect choice, too afraid to commit to a chosen path.
And so I wander. Till now, though, it has been a bad kind of wandering. Too much trying to please everyone, too much worrying and feeling actually stuck, too much running after something, anything, to pour passion into. And feeling broken and wrong and useless everytime I failed, everytime I felt empty instead. Without a purpose.
I need to change this.
In two weeks I will finally be participating in that program I spoke of. I believe it’s what is keeping me above the water for now. The idea of change, of a new path.
I honestly feel weak now, like I will never be able to do anything, but I’m so willing to try. Like the book says, sometimes we need first to try something to then love it. It also says how worrying, analyzing and speculating about life are not really the best things to help you discover your passions and purpose. It may only leave you confused and lost. It makes so much sense since I’m always a person to think and think and think before doing anything. And here I am, as lost as I can be.
I really like the idea of introspection. I have always been very close to my inner self and I love reading about the mind and the self and really anything that Jung may have written, but now I realize that too much of it can actually make you get stuck. Living only in options and possible situations, learning about yourself in an eternal search without ever really DOING things…
I guess we need a balance between our inner and outer selves. Between what we think we know about life and ourselves and what we are actually living and experiencing. (who knows what this really means lol)
And this all has to do with the true wandering I wish to do: no fear for not having a path, no fear to try everything, no anxiety for not having stability right now.
No fear for being a work in progress.
Only the wonder and the uncertainty of new discoveries and exciting adventures.
Only the feeling that compels me to DO things. ANYTHING. And maybe in the middle of it all I will find something to do that gives me purpose. Something that I love just as much as writing.
What about you? Do you ever feel like you made the wrong choices? Like you need change but not really knowing how to do it? Do you think that sometimes we can only find passion and purpose by trying and failing? And how much time do you spend inside your mind, worrying, thinking about everything while doing nothing?
Do you believe our minds are actually alien forms taking over our bodies?
Do share your experiences trying to control this strange form of life that are our minds. I would love (LIKE REALLY LOVE) to hear more from you.
Hope you are having awesome weeks!