Adventures, Life, Quotes, The Bookshelf, The Wanderer

Passion and Purpose

I have been trying to figure what triggered me again. One day everything perfect, next moment pure anguish and sadness and emptiness
I know it had something to do with work, because before it I was tired but not anxious.
I think I feel really nervous when people start to ask confusing things of me, things I’m not sure I can accomplish, or when they expect me to do some kinda of magic trick to make their bad planning looks good despite everything wrong with it.
I guess I just have very bad coping mechanisms and very low resilience. (MEH)

Some months ago I started thinking that if I knew I was going to be miserable all the same, then I would have chosen a career that at least gave me good money.
I mean, c’mon, if you are miserable AND poor you are doing something wrong. Now here I am, stuck at a place that makes my soul cry, not earning enough, feeling nervous all the time.

I wonder how much of this are really how I feel and how much is just my mind being an asshole.

yeh

And in the middle of this confusing time I’m reading a book called Designing your Life. It’s the book I wish I had around after finishing High School.

One of my favorites passages so far is about how we are not always driven by deep and strong passion for something or for a path. They say:

We believe that people actually need to take time to develop a passion. And the research shows that, for most people, passion comes after they try something, discover they like it, and develop mastery—not before. To put it more succinctly: passion is the result of a good life design, not the cause.

So much easier than all the doubt and fear and struggle that is a constant inside of me, asking myself over and over what is it that I really love doing(besides writing).
I guess I just have bad combinations of personality: perfectionism,  a need to plan everything, indecision, fear of the unknown, too keen to make the perfect choice, too afraid to commit to a chosen path.

And so I wander. Till now, though, it has been a bad kind of wandering. Too much trying to please everyone, too much worrying and feeling actually stuck, too much running after something, anything, to pour passion into. And feeling broken and wrong and useless everytime I failed, everytime I felt empty instead. Without a purpose.

I need to change this.

——-

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In two weeks I will finally be participating in that program I spoke of. I believe it’s what is keeping me above the water for now. The idea of change, of a new path.

I honestly feel weak now, like I will never be able to do anything, but I’m so willing to try. Like the book says, sometimes we need first to try something to then love it. It also says how worrying, analyzing and speculating about life are not really the best things to help you discover your passions and purpose. It may only leave you confused and lost. It makes so much sense since I’m always a person to think and think and think before doing anything. And here I am, as lost as I can be.

I really like the idea of introspection. I have always been very close to my inner self and I love reading about the mind and the self and really anything that Jung may have written, but now I realize that too much of it can actually make you get stuck. Living only in options and possible situations, learning about yourself in an eternal search without ever really DOING things…

I guess we need a balance between our inner and outer selves. Between what we think we know about life and ourselves and what we are actually living and experiencing. (who knows what this really means lol)

And this all has to do with the true wandering I wish to do: no fear for not having a path, no fear to try everything, no anxiety for not having stability right now.

No fear for being a work in progress.

Only the wonder and the uncertainty of new discoveries and exciting adventures.

Only the feeling that compels me to DO things. ANYTHING. And maybe in the middle of it all I will find something to do that gives me purpose. Something that I love just as much as writing.

What about you? Do you ever feel like you made the wrong choices? Like you need change but not really knowing how to do it? Do you think that sometimes we can only find passion and purpose by trying and failing? And how much time do you spend inside your mind, worrying, thinking about everything while doing nothing?

Do you believe our minds are actually alien forms taking over our bodies?

Do share your experiences trying to control this strange form of life that are our minds. I would love (LIKE REALLY LOVE) to hear more from you.

Hope you are having awesome weeks!

Bia

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11 thoughts on “Passion and Purpose”

  1. I felt the same way at work earlier this week, like everything that came out of my mouth sounded stupid and every decision I made was wrong. Then I was gone for two days taking a course and I feel more capable now. I hope that program does the same thing for you:-)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awesome post! Very thought provoking and you had me nodding my head a lot and thinking about the paths I’ve taken in life. I spend and have spent far too much time in my mind worrying over what ifs and then becoming so afraid I don’t even let those what ifs come to life. Heck, it took me years to start sharing my writing and the massive push I am doing now is on the back of me wanting to prove myself and become fearless about something I’ve hidden away from – people, criticism, failure, success, a million and one insecurities. Sorry, you’ve got me rambling. Your post is excellent.

    “I guess we need a balance between our inner and outer selves. Between what we think we know about life and ourselves and what we are actually living and experiencing. (who knows what this really means lol)” I think I know exactly what you mean by this! And, I agree!

    I really hope this course helps you and I’ll be eagerly watching for updates. An important thing to remember though is that if it doesn’t, that’s okay. It’s just like you talk about, trying and seeing if something is your passion. If it’s not then okay, on to the next thing! The fact you are willing to try is what’s most important. Hold on to that! X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t worry about rambling hahahaha! I love reading what people have to say. I too am trying to be fearless about things that always made me feel insecure (putting myself out there is ugh too scary) and I hope we can just DO IT and learn a lot and become more and more who we wish to be!

      And yes! Thank you very much for reminding me that it’s ok if this course isn’t what I expect. I just really want to keep with me the feeling of excitment I have right now over trying something new (so in the future I don’t get too scared again meh)

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts!! And for liking this hahahaha (sometimes I really have no idea if what I’m writing makes sense)

      Like

  3. Aah, I feel this post so much! I am also a perfectionist but I’m very indecisive — I want to get stuff right but I am so worried to get it wrong that I just don’t do anything. Frankly, I’m feeling a bit worried about the future at the moment since we’ve had a bunch of career talks at school, and the choices I make now will affect the rest of my life which is pretty scary…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES! This conflict between wanting to make the best choice but fearing to get it wrong always made me feel so…stuck? And annoyed(VERY ANNOYED YOU HEARING THIS BRAIN).
      And I get what you are going through. I remember feeling so worried when we started having talks abou career in school (sadly this worry extended to uni and beyond). One of the things that I am trying to make myself understand is that no choice is carved in stone. The choices you make now will only affect the rest of your live because it will give you new perspectives and experiences and skills and this is AWESOME. But remember that if you feel this choice is no good, change your path or try new things, little things, till you can get somewhere you like.
      Don’t let yourself be shackled by the idea that you only get to make one choice, THE choice, and then it is done. Life is too vast and full of possibilities! (I don’t even know where I’m going with this hahaha)
      I just hope you can find a path that will make you happy for now!
      (sorry if this all sounded…annoying? Or unecessary? Sometimes I just talk too much e-e)
      And thanks for the comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. THIS THIS. I relate to EVERYTHING here on such a deep level, ahah. Thank you for writing this, I feel less alone here. We do have the very same combinaison of personality here, with the perfectionnism, fear of the unknown, indecision and everything. It’s so hard sometimes, I wish we could just KNOW things, jump ahead and be okay with it without questionning everything. I know that is what I would love to be able to do. I think what matters is that you keep on going, and along the way, I am sure you’ll find that purpose, that need, that WANT to do this new something you’ll love 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’M GLAD! I never know if someone will relate to these confusing feelings haha
      Right? Why can’t we just make choices without thinking about every little thing and if it is the right choice for that exact moment…
      (I’m the worst person possible to go out with and my family even make jokes because I take sooo long to just decide what I’m going to eat. I admire people who can choose things on a whim)
      And yes, it’s what I’m trying to do! Just going and going and trying new things and keeping my eyes open to see if anything grasps my attention!
      Thank you very much for your words! TTvTT

      Liked by 1 person

      1. OH YES, same ahah, I WISH that I could be a bit more spontaneous, do things like that without thinking, overthinking about it too much. It is SOOO hard sometimes haha.
        You’re welcome!< 3 ❤

        Like

  5. I don’t think I’ve made wrong choices. I think they were right at the time but things change, and that’s okay. We can’t expect the things we’d choose at 18 to still be true of us 30 years later, or even 10. I think my passions have definitely come and gone, and I’m definitely not inspired at work these days. I’m just hanging on, trying to do some good.

    Like

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